Waves of Fire
by falafel90
Summary: Remus has many regrets. His biggest, though, is Lily Evans.
1. Prologue

A/N: Hey everybody! This is a multi-chapter fic about Remus, our favorite werewolf, and his biggest regret in life: Lily Evans. It's not my usual James/Lily focused fic, so forgive me, but I had the idea and just wanted to run with it. Please read and review!

* * *

I have, perhaps, made too many mistakes in life. Mistakes, according to the some, are inevitable learning techniques that guide a person through life; a tool meant ultimately to assist a person to make the right choice in a difficult position. I agree with those people—but only to some extent. When a man's life has been filled only with mistakes, only with regret, those opinions seem moot. My mistakes have seemingly taught me nothing, despite my efforts to reverse that fact. I have done nothing but make mistakes, and worse yet, make the same mistakes repeatedly. I have spent my life continuing down that path, that path of errors, but tonight that all changes. Tonight I change for the better.

But as I run along side my wife, within the battle-stricken school, it is my one biggest mistake, my one biggest regret that haunts me. It stands solely in the way of what could possibly be my segue into happiness, my trail to change. I run into the castle, heart racing, attempting to prepare myself for war, but I am distracted. Distracted by her red hair, like waves of fire, burning up my thoughts and turning my brain to ash. Distracted by her emerald eyes, the eyes that she passed on to her child, my best friend's child. She was my greatest mistake, my greatest regret. I could have had her, if only.

If only I wasn't so much an idiot as I still am.

If I were to die today, it would be an unhappy death for an unhappy man. I love my own child, surely, and my wife, no doubt. But I am not _in_ love with my wife, and that makes all the difference. Lily…she was it for me. I never loved again after her. And Dora...how I feel so very terrible for what I put her through, for having led her to believe our love was the one out fairy tales. I didn't mean to. But I'm not sure that's enough anymore.

I don't pity myself, though. I brought about every bad thing in my life on my own. I shouldn't have wandered off alone when I was a boy; I blame myself for my lycanthropy, and myself alone. I should've dated Lily when I had the opportunity; certainly it wasn't her fault that she married James. In the time that I had come to realize that I was a man like every other, not merely a werewolf in human clothes, she had fallen hard for James. James, my best mate. I don't blame him either. How could I? And the many mistakes I made with Dora…Merlin knows that none of them were her fault.

But Lily…even if my life was terrible over the past thirty-eight years, the thought of her kept me continuing on, for whatever reason.

_For whatever reason_. I shouldn't jest at a time so—so dangerous. I loved her. I still love her.

Dueling is difficult with a reasonable mind and a steady arm. Dueling is even more difficult with a preoccupied mind and a wavering arm.

As I begin to clear my head, I see the cloaked figure raise his arm, and amongst shouts of hatred and yells of bloody triumph, memories envelope me. I am back at Hogwarts. I am at home.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Please tell me what you think! Read and review!

* * *

"Did you do McGonagall's essay?" I looked up from my copy of _Advanced Charms and Enchantments_ to see a doe-eyed, but fiery girl standing before me. We were fifteen, the age that girls and boys began to interact without any discomfort. Or at least, without any fear of getting cooties or vomiting from nervousness.

We had been friendly, Lily and I, for the past four years, but it was only this year that we began to get closer. Having both earned the title of Prefect, we chatted often, especially when roaming the halls for rule breakers; we spent time together almost everyday, completing homework together for Arithmancy, or patrolling the corridors, and we inevitably became friends. Naturally, because she hated James and Sirius, however, we only saw each other when they were busy with their own distractions.

"Yeah. But it's a nightmare," I replied, whispering. I sat in the library, at a large mahogany table, while Lily stood across from me. Her hair was sloppily tied with a gold ribbon, her shirt was wrinkled, and her bag was overflowing with papers and library books. She looked tired.

"I'm sure it's amazing, Remus. You're work always is," she said, whispering back. "Mine on the other hand, that's another story entirely." Pulling out a chair and sitting down, she rummaged through her bag to find her essay. As she piled book on top of book, paper on top of paper, I spoke up.

"How long have you been in the library, Lily?" She looked rather a wreck—though I would never tell her that, seeing as though I've seen the effects of her Bat-Bogey Hex—and certainly needed sleep. She looked up from her bag, and sighed.

"O.W.L.s are quickly approaching, Remus," she said, as though this was the answer to my question. She put down her bag and stared me straight in the eye. "I refuse to fail." She was adamant and serious, and for that reason, I could only chuckle.

"Like you could ever fail." I scoffed. "Have you ever even received a lower than Acceptable on anything?" She flushed red.

"Once," she admitted, "in Transfiguration. You know that's my worst subject." And by worst, she meant that it was the one subject that she just barely scraped an Outstanding in. Nevertheless, she still got that 'O.'

"Mhm." A silence washed over us, and after a few moments, Lily picked up her bag again to keep searching for her Transfiguration essay. I pretended to read my book, but secretly I looked on as she brushed the hair from her face and bit her lip in frustration. She was pretty and I was a fifteen-year-old boy; it was only natural.

"Got it!" she shouted after a few seconds, and I pretended to stop reading. I could see Madame Pince shake her head a few tables away, but because we were Prefects, she stayed away.

"Do you want me to look it over, Lily?" I asked. Transfiguration wasn't my best subject, either, but I was a tad better than she was. She smiled at me, shook her head 'yes,' and handed the essay over to me. She chose the topic of Animagi, and I frowned.

"You know," I said slowly, "Animagi are more of James's thing. He's practically an expert. Maybe you should get him to read over your essay. He would know better than I would." I put the paper down in front of me, and looked at her. She looked peeved.

"I know he's your friend, Remus, but…" Her voice trailed off. I knew she couldn't stand him. When we were younger, he teased her mercilessly—though, in James's defense, it was because he fancied her. And this past year, his teasing turned to constant ask-outs. James meant well, I know he did. But no matter how much I tried to convince Lily of it, she stood her ground.

"I know you hate him, but he's not all bad," I said, though I knew it was a fruitless argument. She glared at me, as if I was the enemy. I sighed. "Okay, I get it. I'll look over your essay, but I can't promise you that I'll be able to point to anything that needs fixing." Picking up the paper, I went back to reading it over.

"Thank you, Remus. For reading over the essay, and for not pushing Potter on me." I looked up and nodded, and she smiled back at me. I went back to reading the essay, but a moment later, she asked, "Why is James an expert on Animagi?" Of course, she didn't know our secret, and perhaps I shouldn't have recommended James to read her essay after all.

"Oh," I started nervously. "He's just…brilliant at Transfiguration, and it's one of his favorite subjects to read about. I suppose one day he plans to become one." That wasn't technically a lie. Except "one day" was _actually_ a couple of months ago. But she didn't have to know that.

"Well, that's a difficult bit of magic. Do you think he can do it?" She seemed doubtful, and with her experiences with James, I couldn't blame her.

"Yeah, I do." Of course I did. He already was one.

"Well, I guess we'll see if he can one day," Lily said, a look of contemplation gracing her face. She grabbed a book out of her bag to read while I read her essay.

A foot-and-a-half of parchment later, I sighed. "I can't see anything wrong with it Lily, and it's certainly better than mine, but that's not exactly saying much. I did mine on the theory of animal to object transfiguration. It's bloody awful."

Lily laughed and my teenage heart swelled. At the time, it was nothing; a funny heart beat, maybe a palpitation or a contraction. I accredited it to my being a teenager. At fifteen, a boy fancied nearly every girl. Or at least, a boy is attracted to every girl. But later, when I would look back on conversations like these, it would be the start of my unrequited romance with the only girl I would ever love.

"I appreciate you looking over it for me anyway, Remus. You're a doll," she said, reaching over to touch my hand. I flushed, embarrassed by the motion, and she grinned knowingly. "Do you want to head back up to bed? It's getting late and the library is going to close soon."

I looked up at her, and she looked anxious for my answer. I nodded, and slammed my book shut. Shoving it into my bag, along with the spare bits of parchment and stray quills that lay nearby, I stood up and walked around to the other side of the table.

She ran her hand down my arm and looked at me. She was close and suddenly I was very self-conscious.

She whispered. "Thanks again," she said. She started to walk away, and I stood still, feeling odd and wonderful at the same time. She looked back with a smirk. "Are you coming?"

I followed her. I would always follow her.


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: I love reviews, like any author, so please, please, please review!

* * *

"I hate him! He's a bloody idiot, Remus! Why are you even friends with him?" Lily was pacing back and forth in front of me in the Gryffindor common room. I was sitting on a maroon love seat with _Hogwarts, A History _sitting in my lap. It was abandoned, however, for the girl in front of me. "Did he even care that Severus did nothing—absolutely nothing to him? I mean, Severus wasn't exactly a saint, but he was provoked! By that insufferable _boy_!" Lily shook her head and I sighed.

Earlier today, after our Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L., James tortured Snape rather mercilessly. Though I knew James—and Sirius, for that matter—were being truly and terribly mean, I couldn't stop them. I was a Prefect, but my friendship with the Marauders was one that, at the time, I didn't feel quite worthy of. After guessing I was a werewolf, they unquestioningly went through the arduous process of becoming Animagi—all to help me. I felt that, with all they had done for me, I couldn't be the one to stop their madness. And I am unsure that, at the time, I didn't feel the same way as they did about Snape; Severus was as good as a Death Eater, even in his fifth year.

"Lily, you must understand," I explained, "that James doesn't hate Snape because merely because he exists, but because he stands for everything that James hates, everything that James was taught to hate. You may not see it, Lily, because you were once friends with him, but he has turned to the Dark Arts. And don't tell me hasn't," I added when I saw Lily poised to protest. "He called you a—he called you a foul and loathsome name. A name only a Slytherin would use to describe a muggle-born—and at the very worst, a muggle-born with more intelligence and potential than those pure-blood gits combined."

Lily stopped pacing midway through my speech. She looked down at me on the couch, and she smiled. "Thank you, Remus," she said, her eyes tearing slightly. "You're an absolute dear, really." She walked over to where I was sitting, and plopped down beside me. We were squished intimately on the small loveseat, and I was embarrassed, as per usual. My cheeks flushed, but I turned my head away from her sight.

"No problem," I mumbled, very aware of her presence next to me. "It's the truth. It's easy to say when it's the truth."

"The truth isn't always easy, Remus," Lily said, looking down at her legs, which were covered with black tights. I rubbed the back of my neck. I, perhaps, knew better than anyone that fact. My secret was hidden away within the depths of my soul, and I made my best efforts to conceal it the one time a month it attempted to reveal itself.

"I know," I muttered. I turned to my side to look her in the eye. "You know," I said after a moment. "There's another reason why James hates Severus." I wasn't attempting to be mysterious, but I'd like to think it came out that way.

"What do you mean?" asked Lily. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and her lips were parted in curiosity. She looked sweet and pretty and innocent, but I shoved it out of my mind. My best friend was in love with her, or so he proclaimed to the world. Whether or not I thought she was pretty, she was claimed—though this fact would never be mentioned to Lily, it was the truth. Or, at least, at that point, I honestly believed it. James was the better man. Certainly, he was a better friend. He risked his life for me monthly, while I gave him nothing in return. Surely he deserved the girl he wanted. I was unworthy of such a treasure, while he—he deserved everything. And, anyway, I didn't like her that way—I couldn't like _anyone_ that way. I was a werewolf, and no girl could be subject to a beast for a boyfriend.

"I mean," I started slowly, "he loves you." She still looked confused by the information.

"How does that explain why he was an arse to Severus?"

"Lily, don't be daft," I said. "You were friends with Snape for years. He believes that, in some respect, you fancy him. And it's clear as day that Snape fancies you. James, in his mind, feels that if you were going to choose anybody to date, it would be the boy you've known since you were ten, not the boy who teased you about your red hair when you were eleven. I'm not saying that it's right for James to hex Snape, but it's a sound reason. It wouldn't come as a shock to anybody if you were to start snogging Snape tomorrow," I joked.

Lily rolled her eyes. "I don't like Severus in that way. And he doesn't like me in that way, either." I rolled my eyes here, and Lily giggled. My stomach churned and I passed it off as gas. I shifted uncomfortably in the seat, attempting to avoid any possible flatulence.

"And if he did?" I said with a smile.

Lily crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "I would politely decline. Even I have noticed his disturbing hygiene habits." I snorted and she frowned.

"I probably shouldn't have said that," she said, running her fingers through her hair. She twisted a lock between her thumb and her forefinger with a frown. "We were friends; you don't say things like that about friends." She looked so displeased with herself, and it was then that I realized she was nearly as loyal as James was when it came to her friends. It brought a smile to my face.

"He just called you—well, you know what he called you today," I said, purposely bumping my shoulder into hers. "I think you basically reserve the right to say anything bad about him for the rest of your life. And then you can call it even." She laughed and I felt the need to continue to make her laugh.

"No," Lily said between laughs. "No," she said, her voice returning to a more serious tone, "I don't have to stoop to his level." I nodded, though I felt she had every right to. He was rude, and she was probably too nice for her own good. She leaned back on the couch with her arms crossed, and closed her eyes.

I was silent; I wasn't sure what to say. I followed suit, leaning back, but I didn't close my eyes. I looked up at the ceiling, at the wooden beams holding up the tower, and followed them with my eyes. After a few moments, I could feel Lily's gaze on me. I turned to look at her, and caught her staring.

"You've got lovely hair," she said after a few seconds. Leaning forward, she reached over me and brushed a few stray pieces out of my eyes. My skin burned where her fingers grazed. I heard her sigh. "It's very thick and wavy. Like a coat of fur." I choked.

"Are you okay, Remus?" she asked, and I waved as if to say I was fine.

"Of course," I managed to get out. She looked somewhat doubtful, but she dropped the subject.

"I'm going to get to bed," she said, rubbing my shoulder. She looked hard at me, and I only stared back. Her eyes were gem-like, and they were ensnaring and beguiling. I felt lost within them. Her voice, however, broke my trance.

"Goodnight, Remus," Lily said, a smile upon her lips.

"Night," I replied, my voice hoarse. I watched her walk up to the girl's dormitory. I watched as her hips swayed enticingly, forgetting all about my loyalty to James for just a minute. I watched as she glanced over shoulder with a smirk as she walked slowly up the wooden staircase. I watched as she walked out of the common room and into my heart.

That night, I dreamed of her. She floated in the pure blue sky above the Great Lake, more of a shadow than a human. Her red hair was longer, and tangled around her, covering her feminine parts, though leaving little to the imagination. She was beautiful and new and strange; I watched in awe of the wondrous creature before me. I stood in the lake, fully clothed and sad, as I watched the sight above me. I couldn't reach her, I couldn't touch her. She was a figment of my imagination, an image, that wasn't real, and she disappeared moments after I realized she was even there. I woke up suddenly, wondering what the dream meant and knowing that I could do nothing about it.


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: I'm upset that I'm not getting many reviews for this story! I'm wondering whether it should go under a different category, mainly because it won't be Remus and Lily who end up together, but Lily and James. What do you guys think? Anyway, enjoy the chapter and please, please review! (I hate begging for reviews, but I really want feedback!)

* * *

"James," I said to my best friend, "I don't think she wants to be bothered." James Potter was sitting at his oak desk in his room, quill in hand, writing a letter to Lily. I sat with Sirius and Peter on his oversize bed, which was decorated with red and gold in Gryffindor spirit, trying to convince him that he was wrong to write her.

"Moony," he said, staring at his hands and playing with his quill, "I have to try. Maybe if I show her I care or—"

"But I honestly think that, no matter what you say, she's not going to like it." I sounded convincing, at least to my own ears. It was true, surely, that Lily wouldn't care what James had to say; but my motives behind my telling James were, perhaps, a little less sound than I'd be willing to admit.

I liked Lily. Not merely as a friend, but as a love interest. I knew nothing could or would happen; whether or not she fancied me, I was a werewolf, and any romantic relationship would be hazardous. I would not let anyone suffer through my tribulations. Later on, after James and Lily ran into each other's arms happily, I came to realize that being a werewolf shouldn't halt a relationship. Though I cannot deny that my lycanthropy is dangerous, I am a man just like any other 29 days a month. We could have made it work. But at the time…I was drowning in self-pity and unaware that my lycanthropy didn't define me.

But despite my thinking I could never have a relationship with Lily, I didn't want James to have her. As much as he deserved her, as much of an effort that he made to grab her attention and snag one miniscule date, I didn't want my best friend to have the girl that I was so charmed by. Anyone and everyone else would be fine—just not James, my friend and support system.

And it wasn't just that I couldn't handle their relationship flaunted in my face. In my eyes, James had everything. Loving and sincere parents, piles of gold, intelligence, and popularity—he had it all. To see him get the one thing that I truly and desperately desired, it would hurt. I wouldn't purposely sabotage his attempts to woo Lily, but I would desperately cling to the fact that she hated him, and pray that they didn't somehow get together.

"I know, Moony, I know! But I don't want her to think that I forgot about her!" James banged on the desk with his empty hand. He looked so sincere, just as desperate as I was, and I realized that it might have even been harder for him than it was for me. I was used to rejection, to not getting what I wanted; James never faced any such thing in his life. It was a rude awakening for him. Though he needed it, I nonetheless sympathized with him. I also wanted Lily, but couldn't have her.

"Nobody in their right mind would think that you forgot about her," Sirius said with a slight grin as he picked at his fingernails. "Everything you see reminds you of her. 'Oh, what a lovely hat, it looks like something Lily would like! What a necklace, Lily has one just like it! Your booger, Wormtail, it's the same color as Lily's eyes!'" Peter flushed. "Merlin, it's bloody unbearable! Forget about her, Prongs! Just forget about her! I don't see what's so special about a frigid ginger, anyway."

"Take that back!" James and I shouted in unison. Prongs turned to me, his face etched with confusion, and I could feel my face turn a shade of crimson.

"She's my friend," I muttered. "I didn't want him to say something like that about my friend." James looked doubtful, but he kept his mouth thankfully shut. It was Sirius who, as per usual, opened his rather large trap.

"Are you sure you don't…you know…fancy her?" James's neck snapped towards me, but he didn't look angry. I internally sighed with relief. He seemed more curious than anything else. Maybe slightly nervous. As if I was a threat.

I'll be honest. I considered telling them. I knew they would all understand and would wish me luck—even James. He was, if nothing else, a brilliant friend; he might not stop his own efforts to get the girl, but he wouldn't stop mine, either. He would wish me well, and we would go on our merry way, both trying to win the heart of the fiery red-head Prefect.

But I didn't tell them. I'm not sure why, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. When I look back at the situation, I wonder if I was embarrassed. Embarrassed because, well…why would a girl like Lily pick me over James? It just didn't make sense. So why speak of something that wouldn't happen?

"Of course I don't like her," I said, rolling my eyes and wondering whether or not I was persuading them. "She's just, you know, a friend. Because we were both Prefects. I mean, we had rounds together, so we hung out a lot. Well, not on personal time. Sometimes, I guess we would talk, but, you know, about homework. Or how much she disliked you," I rambled awkwardly. All three of them looked on at me awkwardly and silently as I continued to make a fool of myself. "But you knew that. I mean, I told you all about our conversations. For the most part. But we're just friends. Just friends." By the end of my awkward rant, I was fiddling with my fingers and wishing I had never been born.

"So you're sure you don't like her?" Peter asked, looking somewhat skeptical. I looked at James, and he was watching the situation with interest. Sirius, who was spread out on the bed next to him, was banging his hands on his stomach and staring at the ceiling.

"Oh, yeah," I said, loudly swallowing. "Positive."

"I wouldn't mind, you know," James said, looking at me with complete and total understanding. "She's—she's brilliant and—and amazing. I couldn't blame anyone for liking her. And it's not like I have a claim on her, or anything. If—if anything, she'd go for you, not me. And if it made her happy, I'd be okay with it." His voice cracked a bit.

He was too nice. I couldn't tell him and lessen his hope. "We're just friends," I repeated, smiling at him, trying to assure him that I hoped for nothing more. I felt guilty, but I reminded myself that I was doing it out of his best interest. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

He clearly bought my fake assurance. He looked relieved, though he didn't verbally express it. He merely turned back to his letter and began to scratch away what I assumed to be something he thought to be sweet and romantic. Lily would believe it was harassment.

When I got home that night, I wrote Lily a letter of my own, as I had promised her at King's Cross when we left for the summer holiday. I don't remember exactly what I said, nor does it matter, but it was the first step I took to having a relationship with her that wasn't focused on homework, patrols, or James. We were friends before the letter, yes, but best friends afterwards. That summer we corresponded nearly every day. We talked of her life, of mine, of France and cheeses, of magical portraits and paintings, of love and hated…the topics were sporadic, but the letters themselves were not.

By the end of the summer, she wrote in one letter that she considered me as close a friend as she once did Severus; I replied that she had become nearly as good a friend to me as the Marauders.

We weren't able to officially meet up until the week before school started; together, we went to Diagon Alley. I must admit, it was one of the most memorable days of my life.


	5. Chapter 4

A/N: I really, really, really, really hate to beg, but please review! I want to know what everyone thinks of the story so far. Do you like where it's heading? Do you like how I'm doing it? I really want feedback, because I've never written this seriously about Remus before, and I want to know how it's coming. Please read and review!

* * *

I remember the day Lily and I met each other at Diagon Alley as if it was yesterday. Cliché, I know, but it's the truth. I was excited, nervous, anxious—a fury of emotions ran through me, and anytime I sat down my leg twitched and jiggled with anticipation. I didn't tell the Marauders about the day—just as I felt too guilty to tell James that I liked Lily, I felt too guilty to tell him of my meeting her in Diagon Alley before school started. I later lied and told them that I had gotten all my textbooks and supplies early with my parents, but I had really bought them on my excursion with Lily.

Waiting for her was nerve-wracking. We had agreed to meet at Florean Fortescue's ice cream shop at eleven o'clock in the morning. When I asked her where she wanted to meet up, she immediately named Fortescue's; she explained it was a tradition. Since her first time there, she had always gotten ice cream before shopping for her necessities. When I had asked why, she merely said, "Ice cream—it's more magical than textbooks and wands and robes and frog spawn combined. And isn't that what Diagon Alley's all about, anyway? Magic?" I completely agreed. Eleven o'clock might be early for ice cream, but it's never too early for a little magic.

So, there I was, sitting by myself at one of those little ice cream shop tables. You know, those tables made solely of a silvery metal and different colored plastic-leather cushions. Flamboyant, sure, but magical. I was awaiting the arrival of Lily, lonely and awkwardly. I was early, so I sat in the near-empty store at a small table in the back by myself. I twiddled my thumbs, lazily made circles on the table with my index finger, and bopped my head to the music softly playing in the background. If I remember correctly, it was Celestina Warbeck's newest album played on repeat.

Over the music, I heard the bells attached to the door chime lightly. I looked toward the entrance to see Lily, who looked…she looked…_grown-up_. Her red hair, which had almost hit her elbows the year before, was now only slightly longer than her shoulders. She wore muggle summer clothing, which I had never previously seen her in; her shorts were tiny and some sort of purple denim and her short was a white t-shirt that was formfitting…very formfitting. She had make-up on, though only enough to be barely noticeable. My eyes widened at the sight of her, and she had a smirk on, as if she could read my mind. I flushed red at the thought, and she smiled even wider as she walked forward.

"Remus!" she exclaimed as she approached the table I was sitting at. I stood up and she pulled me into a giant hug. "Remus, I'm so glad to see you!" Her hug was warm and tight and I felt as if I was flying.

"It's nice to see you, too, Lily," I replied, as she broke off our embrace. I looked at her, as she threw down her arms, and she appeared even more vibrant than usual. I smiled, happy to see her happy. We both took seats at the table, and a silence ensued. Though our letters were personal and deep, though we had become best friends over the summer through our owls, we weren't sure how to begin talking to each other face to face. After a few moments, I spoke.

"Would you like some ice cream?" I asked. She nodded, and I began to stand up. She stood up with me, and I waved a hand at her. "Sit," I said. "I'm getting it."

"I can get my own," she said, rising. I watched as she got up from her seat, and stood behind me, but I waved a hand over at her again.

"I'm buying and you can't stop me," I said. "What flavor would you like?" She sighed, pretending to be frustrated, though actually smiling in delight. She twirled a lock of her red hair in her fingers, and thought for a moment.

"I think I'm in the mood for mint chocolate chip," she said, glancing at the different flavors posted on the wall. I glanced to where she was looking, despite already knowing what I wanted.

"Wonderful," I said. "Go and sit," I continued, shooing her away from the counter, "so I know you won't try and pay." She laughed and rolled her eyes, but followed my instructions nonetheless. I ordered and coughed up a few sickles, and brought to cones back to the table.

As I handed Lily her mint chocolate chip, she stared at my cone. "Chocolate?" she asked in surprise. "I should have known. You're so predictable," she said, pretending to be annoyed. She looked at me, however, and I could tell from her eyes she was kidding.

"I like chocolate, thank you very much," I said, sticking my nose in the air. I glanced at her, and she shook her head, giggling.

"I think _everyone_ knows how much you like chocolate," said Lily. "You practically keep a second Honeyduke's under your bed."

I stared at her. "How do you know about that? You've seen under my bed?" She shot me a mysterious look, and I snorted. "No, really, how do you know that?" I asked.

"I have my ways." She had a deceptive smile gracing her face, and it made my stomach flip.

"Just tell me!" I said, laughing. She sighed, and stared at the ceiling.

"We girls," she started, "have played Truth or Dare since first year. Each girl has been dared to do something in the boy's dormitory at least ten times, if not more. We probably know our way around your dormitory nearly as well as you do."

"That's not the whole explanation," I said as I watched her slowly lick her ice cream. "How do you know that I keep mountains of chocolate under my bed, specifically?"

Lily blushed furiously. This time she took a bit longer to answer. She continued to stare at the ceiling, and after a few minutes of tortuous silence, she responded. "Well, here we go," she muttered. Looking at me with a slightly crimson face, she told me the story, despite her embarrassment. "But before I tell you," she said. "You have to promise not to tell your friends. Or anybody for that matter."

"I promise," I said, making an "X" over my heart with my fingers. It was a muggle tradition that I had recently learned of, and I did the gesture for her. She grinned.

"I was dared, way back in third year, to steal the underpants of each of the third year Gryffindor boys," she said. I laughed, rather loudly, and I got ice cream all over my face. I grabbed a napkin from the center of the table, and Lily smiled. "Merlin punished you for laughing," she said. I grinned back, and she continued her story. "Anyway, I went up there, nervously hoping that none of you were actually up there. Of course, you weren't—if you were I wouldn't be telling this story. I managed to grab underwear from Sirius easily, merely because, surprisingly, he is the neatest of the three of you. A couple of pairs were folded neatly in his trunk."

"It's true," I said, interrupting. "Sirius is the neat-freak of the four of us. Nobody would expect it."

Lily nodded, laughing, and continued. "James was fairly easy, too; I saw a pair on his bed and just grabbed those. Well, grab isn't an appropriate word. I picked them up using only my thumb and my index finger, and I only touched the waist band; I wasn't sure if they were clean, so I was rather careful." I pictured this in my head, and could only laugh. "Peter—I had to search, but I found a pair hanging up in the closet. Agrippa knows why that boy hangs his boxers. It's a little weird if you ask me." She shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair. "But you Remus," she said. "You were the hardest. I searched the whole room, including under your bed, and couldn't find where you kept your underwear. I was almost certain that you didn't wear any." The two of us flushed at the idea, and she shook her head. "And then I found them."

"How?"

"I thought for a moment, and said to myself, 'If I was Remus, where would I hide my underwear?' And then it came to me. You are friends with Black and Potter—students who would go to no end to embarrass people…students who _have_ gone to no end to embarrass people. After recalling the number of times they have levitated people's underwear during breakfast, I thought that you probably transfigured it into something else. Because the transfiguration was of something smaller, I was able to do a revealing spell, to show an objects true nature, and found them neatly stacked in your trunk, though slightly less neat than Sirius's." Lily looked pleased with herself, and I was thoroughly impressed.

"You're so brilliant you could be a Marauder," I said, smiling with disbelief.

"But I would never _want_ to be," Lily said, waving a finger at Remus. "I'd rather channel my brilliance into something worthwhile."

"Like finding the underpants of four teenage boys?"

"Exactly."

After the ice cream, we searched for the books on our school list. As we headed into Flourish and Blotts, Lily suddenly turned around and exclaimed with enthusiasm, "I forgot to tell you. Guess what!"

"What?" I asked, humoring her. She looked so excited.

"I got the letter a few days ago, and I thought I'd surprise you with the news today…we're going to be Heads together!" She was grinning widely, and I smiled with little excitement.

"Congratulations, Lily!" I meant that, of course, but I hated to be the one to break the news to her of who the Head Boy was. "But…I'm not Head Boy."

"What?" Her face fell, and a frown slowly passed on her face. "Maybe your letter just didn't come yet. I'm sure it's you, Remus."

"Did your letter actually say that I was Head?" Of course I knew who the Head Boy really was. James got the letter a few days ago, and felt terrible because of it. He felt as though he took the position away from me, though it certainly isn't his fault Dumbldore gave him the position. I didn't have a problem with being a Prefect for another year, though I was slightly disappointed that I wouldn't get to work with Lily as closely as in previous years. James would have that honor.

"Well, no," she said, and she seemed deeply trouble. "Do you know who the Head Boy is?"

I knew I had to answer her. There was no way around it. "James, actually, got the position."

"James Tesly? But I thought he was a sixth year…" Lily seemed utterly confused.

"James Potter."

"No! It can't be!" She was shocked and clearly disappointed. My heart soared a bit; she wanted me to be her partner. Although I honestly believed that nothing could happen between us because of my lycanthropy, I wanted her to like me nonetheless.

"I'm sorry. I know it's going to be a difficult year, and—"

She interrupted me with a smile. "Let's not talk about James Potter today. Today is our day, and our day alone. I'm going to pretend you're going to be Head Boy and that everything is well." I smiled and turned to go find _Standard Book of Spells, Grade 7_.

Our day went on fantastically after our discussion about James Potter. After looking for our textbooks, we each got new ingredients for Potions. I teased her with dung beetles, and she rolled her eyes, claiming she wasn't afraid of insects. I did see her flinch, though, at the sight of the dead spiders stuffed in a jar, and I pointed this fact out to her. She responded with a gesture that her mother would have been appalled to witness.

I bought a new cauldron after that, due to the fact that Sirius managed to burn a whole through the one I had last year. Lily ended up buying a new knife for Potions, as well as new dragon hide gloves for Herbology.

After a long day of shopping, we took a seat at the Leaky Cauldron and rested with our brand new books and supplies. We found a booth and plopped down.

"I'm buying the Butterbeers," Lily said, pointing a finger in my direction, "and don't even attempt to stop me. I'm seventeen, you know, so it wouldn't be illegal to hex you."

I held up my hands in surrender, while she bought the Butterbeers. She came back with two large mugs and handed me one. "They're nice and cold," she said. "I figured since it was so hot out, I'd opt for the chilled version." Despite the coldness of the liquid, the Butterbeer still warmed my insides. It was a beautiful drink. _Nearly as nice as chocolate_, I thought. _Nearly as nice as Lily_. I occurred to me that Lily was like Butterbeer; she warmed my insides, just seeing her red hair and green eyes and ivory skin.

"I think this is going to be a good year," Lily said, grabbing my hand on the table. She didn't merely pat it, but hooked onto it. She looked into my eyes, almost as if to see my reaction, but I did nothing to stop her. I convinced myself that the motion was harmless, that friends held hands all the time; it was perfectly normal. My mind flashed back to the day at the library, the day she first held my hand, and how I had convinced myself then, too. "Minus Potter," she said, interrupting my thoughts.

"I agree," I said, looking into her eyes. "It's going to be a good year."


	6. Chapter 5

A/N: Read and review! (Please, please, please review!)

* * *

"Remus!" I heard Lily call to me from a few meters away. I turned my back on the Marauders, who were fooling around with an enchanted paper airplane, and saw a rush of red hair flying toward me. She gave me a tiny hug when she arrived in front of me, and, despite being shocked, I managed to hug her back.

"I can't believe we're already going back to school!" Lily said, out of breath, patting her chest. We stood in King's Cross, on the platform, preparing to leave for Hogwarts. Though we still had a good ten minutes before we needed to be on the train, everyone was anxious. It was our final year; we were terribly excited, even Lily, and everyone wanted desperately to take the first step towards the beginning of the end.

"I know," I said back, "it's weird. I feel like the summer just started." I could hear the charmed plane stop whizzing behind me, and I felt all eyes on me. I turned to look behind me at my friends, and found everyone grinning—even James. I think he was pleased to have me as a connection, especially since I had convinced him of my platonic feelings for Lily. Though it was a lie, he was blissfully unaware of that fact; or, at least, he pretended to be. Either way, he smiled a smile that would have made any girl swoon…except the one girl he was desperate for it to work on. I internally cheered; she was unaffected by it. Her greeting towards him proved it:

"Hello Potter. Fancy seeing you here," she said, rolling her eyes. "Black, Pettigrew." She nodded toward the latter, but looked back at Prongs. "I hear you're Head Boy. Think you can handle it?" Her voice was icy and trenchant. It was clear to those present that she was dissatisfied by Dumbledore's choice for Head Boy, but nobody knew what to say. I stood there, wondering how James would respond, and I unsurprised when he awkwardly scratched his neck and stumbled over his words.

"Er, I hope. I'm going to try to handle it, anyway," he said honestly, but she wasn't really paying attention. She was waving to Mary MacDonald, her best friend and fellow Gryffindor. She grinned in my direction, and I nodded at her, but she didn't come near us. She was probably fearful of the confrontation Lily was sure to have with James. She headed on the train, most likely saving seats.

"Right," I could here James mutter. He knew Lily wasn't giving him the time of day, even though he was merely responding to the question that she had asked. He sulked, his head falling to look at his old and scuffed trainers.

"Anyway," Lily said, turning back towards us, "good luck, Potter. You're going to need it." She placed her hands on her hips and stared at him with glaring eyes, but stopped after a moment or two, and kindly turned to me. "See you in the Prefects compartment, Remus. I'll save you a seat." She raised her eyebrows suggestively, which made me blush and James's mouth fall open. She walked away, but her presence lingered for a couple of seconds afterward.

"Remus," Padfoot said, slapping me on the back, "whether or not you fancy Evans, she fancies you." He raised his eyebrows suggestively, mimicking Lily, and said in a girly voice, "I'll just save you a seat so we can snog before I get up there and talk about crap that nobody cares about. It'll be _brilliant_," he mocked.

"Shut it, Pads," Prongs said, still wallowing in self-pity. Though my heart surged at what Sirius said, my heart still went out to James. Lily tortured him mercilessly, and though she would never admit it, it was as bad as James was to Severus all those years—maybe even worse. At least when James picked on Severus, he wasn't crushing Severus's heart.

"I'm just saying," said Sirius. "But maybe that's a good thing!" Sirius exclaimed when he saw James cringe. "Maybe Moony can put in a good word for you! You know, since he doesn't like Evans himself." His last sentence made we wonder if he saw through my lie; I always thought that maybe Sirius knew then entire time that I liked Lily, but never said anything to James because he didn't want to blurt my secret out. As though he understood what she meant to me, and how very important to me it was to keep it quiet.

"Er, yeah," I said unpersuasively. "I can do that." James cheered up at that very instant, and suddenly there was a spring in his step. I felt guilty, because I wasn't sure that I was honestly going to be able to go through with it. I mean, as much as I understood where James was coming from, my best friend would be flaunting what I couldn't have, what I would kill to have.

"Moony, you're the best mate a guy could have," James said, patting me on the shoulder and smiling at me. I felt like an arse, but I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do about it. I mean, I could have always pushed Lily into his arms, but I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't sure if I'd ever be ready for that. And since I'd already gotten myself into such a mess, having not mentioned my crush to them…I was an arse, plain and simple.

Everyone started to head onto the Hogwarts Express, so we ran, lugging our trunks, to find an empty compartment. Of course, we found one, but James forced us to ignore it. After finding out his reason, I wasn't so upset.

"This way," he explained, as we pretended to search for a compartment, "we can sit with Lily under the pretense that we don't have any where else to sit." He was certainly a masochist, but if that's what he wanted, how could I deny it?

Sirius was able to, however. "You know, it's not like she wants us there. Maybe it's best if we just find our own compartment." He sounded sincere, as if he was trying to let James down easy, but James shook his head.

"She just has to get to know me," James argued.

"I dunno mate," Wormtail began, but when James glared at him, he closed his mouth.

I was happy, merely because I was able to sit with Lily without causing anyone any drama. Of course, I wasn't exactly sure Lily wanted me there, either, but after the past summer, I was pretty confidant that she wouldn't throw me out. I smiled, but quickly got rid of it in case it revealed anything to the Marauders.

We found the compartment Lily was sitting in, and barged in rather uncomfortably. She only had Mary with her, though, so it wasn't as though we were squishing ourselves into an already full compartment.

"Hullo, Remus," Lily said, sighing. The minute we walked in, I could see her visibly cringe. "Why don't we head to the Prefects compartment now, yeah?" I nodded, and turned toward James. I waved my hand at him and he followed the two of us out of the compartment. Lily ignored him, however.

"I was thinking," she said looking directly at me, "we could have a Hogsmeade weekend just before Halloween." I nodded and smiled, and James jumped into the conversation.

"That's a great idea, Lily," he said. It was innocent, but Lily was blinded by her hatred for him.

"I wasn't talking to you, Potter," she said. It wasn't mean, necessarily; more than anything else, it was dry and monotonous.

"But I'm the one you have to make that decision with! It's your duty as Head Girl to discuss ideas and information with the Head Boy!" James was adamant, and I agreed with him; it technically _was_ her duty to listen to and communicate with him.

She clearly agreed with me. She bit her lip, internally fighting with herself. She eventually gave in. "You're right, Potter, I'm sorry," she said. "I will be civil and fulfill my duties. But that's all you can ask for."

"Thank you. And it's James." She sighed, but nodded. She wasn't happy that she had to work with James, and her attitude made it blatant, but James was the happiest he'd ever been.

I watched on with interest, wondering if this was the start of a friendship between them. I hoped not, and when I saw Lily turn my way and grin; it was as if her interaction with James was meant solely for my benefit, and I was assured that her feeling hadn't changed. I was still her favorite—even if I would never date her, even if it meant nothing. It was a small victory.


	7. Chapter 6

"Okay, quiet down," Lily said, standing in the front of the Transfiguration classroom. It was the first Prefect meeting of the year, not counting the brief one on the train, and Lily was attempting to silence everyone. Because it was still only the first week of school, people couldn't help themselves from catching up, even if they were Prefects. Lily stood tapping her foot, while James stood next to her, looking nervous and unsure. As Heads, it was their duty to conduct the meeting; as Prefect, it was my job to sit awkwardly and watch the chaos ensue. "Guys, unless you want to be here for hours, you need to shut up!"

Slowly people hushed and the meeting was able to begin. Lily took a folder out of her bag, which sat on the table in front of her, and took out a pile of papers. She handed them to James and suggested, "Why don't you hand out the time-tables?" She smiled as if she was speaking to someone brain dead, but James nodded and gave one to each Prefect anyway. I took the sheet of parchment from my best mate, assuming that I would be paired with Mary Macdonald, the other Gryffindor seventh-year Prefect for my patrols. Though Lily and I were better friends than she and James were, the Heads traditionally patrolled together. It wasn't until I actually glanced at the timetable that I noticed Lily and I were thrown together, and James was left with Mary. A confused look crossed my face, and I looked up to see James staring at his copy with the same expression.

"James," Lily said when she noticed his bewilderment, "I thought that because we had such different schedules, you know, with you and Quidditch and me with tutoring, that I'd pair us with people who had similar schedules. So you're with Mary and I'm with Remus." James's face went from befuddled to disappointed. I felt terrible for James, but I was simultaneously excited at the chance to patrol with Lily again. I had partnered with her for two years, and another would be brilliant. I felt guilty for my happiness. We were just friends though, and always would be; I reminded myself that we were nothing more than mates, that I shouldn't feel guilty, but I knew that I was falling hard for her. Nothing would happen, though, I would promise myself that. Not just because James was in love with her, but also because I _shouldn't_ be—my lycanthropy wouldn't allow for a relationship.

"I hope you don't mind Remus"—she looked at me, smiling—"and Mary"—she turned towards her best friend. "I thought it was a necessary switch." Lily winked at me, and I chuckled silently to myself. It made me feel like I was flying. "I figured you'd understand, Potter. I know how crazy you get with Quidditch practices."

"Yeah, sure," James said. Later, I remember, he ranted about how she _hated_ him, how last year's Head Girl was captain of _her_ house and how the Head Boy tutored, and how did they work it out? James was hurt, and I silently nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly with him, but secretly thanking Merlin that Lily and me were partners for patrols.

"Now," Lily said. "Does anyone have any issues with the time-table? I could always switch you guys up if there are any issues…no? No problems? Spiffy!" She shuffled through a few pieces of parchment still left in her folder, and finally found the one she was looking for. She scanned it quickly, and then looked back up at the Prefects. "I want to talk about the first Hogsmeade weekend," she announced. Everyone cheered and many started to loudly discuss their plans; that is, whom they wanted to ask, what they wanted to buy, and where they wanted to visit. Lily began to tap her foot again. She cleared her throat loudly, and everyone quieted. Before she got a chance to speak, however, James jumped in for the first time all meeting.

"I was thinking," he said, "that we could do it the 28th? Of October?" Of course, that was really Lily's suggestion, which she mentioned on the train earlier that week, but he was trying to get on her god side. Surprisingly, Lily smiled and nodded.

"That's just what I was going to say, James," she said. "I think the 28th is a perfect date. How about you Remus? Is it a good day?" I was shocked, positive that it was somehow a trick. Her voice was too calm to be talking to James, and then to bring me awkwardly into it…I wasn't sure how to respond.

"Er, yeah? Sounds great."

"Great!" Lily exclaimed. "Then it's a date!" She looked at me hard and half-smiled. I felt as though she was somehow being sarcastic, for James's sake—or, rather, to foolishly mock him—but I couldn't tell. The prefects started to talk again, and so Lily shouted over the ruckus, "Okay, then! Meeting adjourned!" Everyone chatted as they left the classroom, but I stayed behind to wait for James and Lily. I figured I'd walk back to the tower with the two of them. Mary, too, I saw, had stayed behind, and I waved at her. She was a sweet girl, though I didn't know her too well. She waved back to me as I walked toward Lily and her. James stood a few feet away, as though he wasn't truly apart of their group; he wasn't, of course, but it seemed wrong of them not to include him. Instead of standing with the girls, I went near James and patted him on the back.

"I can't believe she and I aren't patrolling together!" he complained in a whisper. I gave him a regretful smile, and sighed.

"I'm sure it's nothing personal," I lied to console him. "I tutor like she does, and Mary's a seeker on the team."

"Oh, please," James said, looking depressed. "She's practically drooling over you, and I'm chopped treacle tart." My heart fluttered at that, but I pretended to be unfazed.

"That's not true," I said to him, wishing I could perform a nonverbal Cheering Charm on him without him realizing. "We're just mates. How many times do I have to tell you that?" It was the truth—I might've liked her, but we _were_ just friends.

"I know, I know. It just sucks to watch her fawn over you, while I'm stuck watching like a fool in love." He ran his fingers through his hair, and was about to say something else, but Lily beat him to the punch.

"You guys coming?" Lily asked nicely. She smiled and held up the large brass key that belonged to Professor McGonagall. "I have to lock up."

"Yeah," James said, and he and I walked over to the girls, who were now standing by the door. Together, we trekked back to the common room silently, praying that someone would speak—anything would do. The awkward silence lasted until we got to the portrait hole, where the Fat Lady sat snoring in her frame. James woke her up to tell her the password, and just as I was about to climb into the opening, Lily pulled me back.

"Can I talk to you for a moment, Remus? Out here in the hall?" She looked nervous. She was playing with her hands and picking at her fingernails. I saw her fidget with her emerald ring, and I knew she only did it when she was seriously anxious. I was on edge just watching her. She stared at her shiny black loafers for a moment before she looked up at me with wide eyes. She had some kind of purple shadow on them, and it struck me as odd—she never wore make-up. Why was she now? Sure, she looked beautiful, but she always did…there was something unnerving about that eye goop.

"Remus," Lily started, moving close to me. Her face was about a foot away from mine, and suddenly I was hot. My clothes were smothering me, and I needed air. But I couldn't walk away from her. "Remus, I—I want to ask you something." I squirmed and tugged on my tie.

"Yeah?" My mouth was dry, so my voice came out rough. I cleared my throat and wet my mouth. "Yeah?" I repeated in what was my normal voice.

"I—I—I mean, will you, uh, go to Hogsmeade with me in October?" she asked. "I know it's early, but I thought I would ask early, in case you said no…"

"Sure!" I said, relieved that all she did was invite me to Hogsmeade. "I mean, as friends, right?" She looked disappointed, and I slowly came to the realization that she had intended the weekend visit to be a date. I pretended that I hadn't realized that, that I was completely ignorant. It was easier than turning her down; she was the girl of my dreams, and I didn't want to have to deny her a date.

"Yeah, sure," she said, clearly upset. "As friends." She smiled weakly, and turned to go into the common room. I wondered if I should have told her that I knew what she meant, that I knew she wanted a date, but I wasn't sure I could've said no to her question. I couldn't date her, though, so I didn't stop her. I let her go into the common room alone, wishing silently to herself that she had clarified. I felt like—and was—an arse yet again.

* * *

Review, please!


	8. Chapter 7

"Where do you want to go, Lily?" I asked, as we made our way through the Hogsmeade village. I was on my little excursion with Lily, but neither of us were having fun yet. Lily's fake smile made my heart melt, made me wish that this _were _a date we were on. I knew she wanted it to be a date and that nearly killed me. I wanted her to like me, but I knew that was cruel. It would come of nothing, and that would only end up bringing her pain. I couldn't wish that. And yet…I still wanted her affection. I sighed slightly, though she didn't notice.

"I dunno," she said. She sounded miserable. "Where do you want to go?" She crossed her arms and threw me a fake smile again. She looked weary, so I tried to look simultaneously sympathetic and enthused.

"How about Honeydukes?" I suggested. She nodded in agreement, though I could tell it wasn't wholehearted. We wandered in the streets toward the sweetshop, the two of us failing to verbally recognize the other's unhappiness with the situation. I'm sure she could tell that I was displeased with myself, and surely, I knew she had wished this outing had been under different terms. We walked slowly, shuffling forward, not looking even remotely near one another. After a couple of minutes of that dreaded awkward silence, we reached the shop. Though we were still quiet, I held open the door for her, and she smiled awkwardly in thanks.

We walked around, me following her like a lost little puppy, in hopes that somehow, I could make the day better by being near her. That's what she wanted, sort of. I wasn't arrogant, though; I knew that if she liked me, it would quickly dissipate after she either found out about my wolfish tendencies, or began to realize just how dull I actually am. Nevertheless, I watched closely as she picked up her sweets, meanwhile, grabbing some of my own favorites.

When we got to the counter, I briefly wondered if I should offer to pay for her. If it were a date, I would immediately step in. But this wasn't a date. As the cashier was ringing it up, I realized I _wanted_ to be the one to pay for her sweets. So I did.

"I've got it," I said, just after the lady announced the price. Lily was rifling through her purse when I handed a few gold coins to the woman. She smiled, as if to tell me what a gentleman I was being, and I blushed noticeably. Lily stopped searching for her coin sack, and this time, truly grinned. Buying her chocolate was definitely the right move. If I wanted things to progress between us, that is. It wasn't so great for my plan of ignoring my feelings and her subtle but clear advances, however.

"Thanks!" she exclaimed. She grabbed my arm, and gave me a peck on the cheek. I must've looked shocked, however, because she quickly released me and turned red herself. She moved back a few feet, and took her candy from the counter.

"Thanks," she said to the woman, grinning a little still. I paid for my own candy, and we left the store with chocolates galore. We walked toward the Three Broomsticks silently, and when we got there, took a seat in one of the booths.

"I've got this one," Lily said, running over to the bar to order us two butterbeers. I nodded, smiling, and she quickly came back with two large mugs filled with amber colored liquid and froth. I smiled at her, grateful for the drink, and gulped it down. The butterbeer was cold, icy, as it was still rather warm outside; it was refreshing, especially after such an awkward day.

"Thanks, Lily," I said, grinning. She seemed happier, certainly more content, than before, and I was pleased with myself for being the one to cause that. She sipped her butterbeer slowly, looking at me with wide eyes all the while, and I felt special. _I _was the one she chose to come to Hogsmeade with—whether or not it was a date. She was lovely, and I was happy to know her.

"I'm not certain if you knew this or not," Lily said, turning red and looking down at her drink, "but my asking you to Hogsmeade was a _poor_ attempt at asking you out on a date." Lily was squirming in the booth, and suddenly I was wishing this topic hadn't of been brought up at all. I looked at her, and she looked at me, and our eyes met. I quickly broke the gaze, but I realized the damage was done. After I professed my many reasons for not being able to be there for her, for not dating her, for not _loving_ her (even if it was a white lie), she would hate me forever. And that would be crushing.

"Lily," I said, feeling somewhat speechless. I didn't know how to break the news to her. "Lily, I can't. Date you, that is." And there it was. The cold, harsh truth said aloud for the very first time. It was trenchant, biting, even to my own ears. I shivered once, despite the heat, and watched as Lily's face dropped. She looked just as upset as I felt. Tears were welling in her eyes, and I could see her advances towards me mortified her.

"Oh," she mumbled, really only for herself. "I'll just—go." She rushed up from the booth, and jogged out of the Three Broomsticks. I ran after her, knowing that she needed reassurance that she wasn't, in fact, an idiot, but I wasn't sure what to tell her. The truth was too much, not many people could handle the knowledge of my lycanthropy, and I didn't want her burdened with the difficulty of knowing. As I caught up with her, I decided that telling her I was stepping aside for James, and that we were just good friends, was the best bet.

I caught her arm, and pulled her gently so that she was facing me. I looked at her eyes, those emerald green eyes that could enchant and illuminate a room, and I wasn't so sure I could lie and tell her my feelings for her were merely platonic. I looked around at my surroundings, hoping that there would somehow be a sign, telling me what to do, what to tell her, but all I saw was the Shrieking Shack, a few miles east, looking forlorn. I sighed.

"We're good friends, Lily, and I love you," I said, cringing, preparing myself for what I was about to say, "but I'm not _in_ love with you." It was the classic cliché, the worn out expression that pathetic men used to discourage great women from loving them. I was sad to admit that I had become that pathetic man. "James," I continued, "is a good guy. He loves you, and he's my best friend. Even if I had more than friendly feelings toward you, I couldn't get in the way of his happiness." No matter how much I want to. But, of course, James deserves her more than I do. I might not have wanted to see them together, but as I said those words, I knew it was the truth. James had done more for me than anyone else in the _world_, and if anyone deserved Lily, he did.

"We'll never be together. James and I," she said sadly. "I don't love him and I never will."

"You'd be surprised how people change, Lily. He's become much more mature, haven't you noticed?" I hated to do it, but I knew I had to encourage their relationship. Like I said, James is the one who should have her. And if they're together, maybe I'll forget about my urge to kiss her, to love her, to be hers. Maybe.

"I've seen the way you look at me, Remus," Lily said, changing the subject altogether. "You like me. I can tell. And I like you. James—forget James." Her voice was desperate, and I felt terrible, as if I was driving a knife directly into her heart.

"I can't forget about James," I said. "He's done more for me than you'll ever know." She crossed her arms, and turned to look at the Shrieking Shack. She stared in that direction for a minute or two before she spoke.

"I know, Remus. I do know," she said, turning to look directly into my eyes. "I know that you're a—a werewolf, and I know that James helps you when you change." I stood, shocked, not knowing what to say, what to tell her, or how to comfort her. But how did she…? "Severus told me. He wasn't supposed to, you know that. But he figured I wouldn't tell a soul, and of course I didn't. I mean, I still don't know _exactly_ how James is involved in all of it, but I mean, if he was there to save Sev…well, I know he helps, anyway." She stared at me to see what I thought, but my mind was blank. "And in case I didn't make this clear enough, I liked you _after_ I found out you were a werewolf." She smiled at me, despite her own pain, but I didn't smile back. Hers slowly faded, and we stood there momentarily, unsure of what to do.

"I still can't, Lily," I said, wishing to God I didn't care about James or his feelings so much. "James would be absolutely and wholly crushed. You know how much that boy fancies you? I've seen him cry to himself because you ignored him. I've watched him turn to mush at the sight of you're hair, you're eyes, you're legs. His arrogance is a show, to make him appear confidant, but he's just the opposite: scared because he honestly cares for you." It was hard to get out. The truth always is. I would hurt her with my lycanthropy. James—James, the man who stayed with me all these years through every transformation—wouldn't. He would be able to give her normal children, children who wouldn't have traces of werewolf. He wouldn't have to be locked up once a month in a cage in the basement. He would be there, a shining stag, galloping atop hundreds and thousands of galleons, while I paw around, attempting to find work at a time when werewolves are belittled and dejected. Maybe he could make her happy in a way I couldn't. I previously thought that it would be my downfall to see the two of them together; maybe, just maybe, I could survive it if I knew that James was what Lily wanted, what she needed. And, surely, she would, eventually. Everyone loved James Potter, and for good reason.

Lily, her eyes still streaming with tears, sat on the grass below her. I followed suit, wishing to comfort her. She threw my arm off of her shoulders, however, and looked at me fiercely.

"I don't _care_ that you're a werewolf! I don't _care _about James! I know he's you're friend, but he's no friend of mine! And certainly no potential boyfriend!" she cried. She wiped at her eyes furiously, then, "He'll forgive you! He just _thinks_ he loves me! But what does a seventeen-year-old know about love, anyway? He'll quickly move to Mary—or, or Marlene!"

I swallowed, feeling my mouth become dry. "I know a _lot_ about love, Lily. And when you know what's best for someone, when you know that you could hurt them in more ways than one, you give them up and help them move on to something or someone much better for them," I said quietly. "Lily, I love you. More than you'll ever imagine. But I'm giving you up knowing there's something better out there for you than a relationship with me. I could never do that to you." I reached over to hug her, and she latched on to me, crying. "Just try going out with James. For me," I whispered in her ear. I felt her nod against my shoulder, and I began to tear too.

It was done. There was no going back, though I would ultimately attempt to. My fate was sealed. I would never again have the chance to be with her, and she would inevitably move on from me and to my best friend, all because of my suggestion. James would never know, and Lily would never admit it to him, but I was the guiding force in the beginnings of their relationship. I created my own personal hell in hopes that it would bring Lily her own magical heaven. I destroyed myself, knowing it would eventually lead her to happiness. And yet, I was nothing more than Love's fool.


	9. Chapter 8

A/N: Hey guys, sorry that it took so long to post this chapter! I was overwhelmed with school and Christmas, and I just didn't have a chance to write. Which sucked. But I'm back, and hopefully I'll update a lot more frequently now. Yay! By the way, there's a New Moon reference in this chapter. Can you spot it? Anyway, read and review!

* * *

I watched Lily walk towards us. We were in the common room, the four of us Marauders, playing Gobstones, when she traipsed over. With her hands behind her back, she nodded at me, and spoke softly. "Hello Remus. Sirius. Peter." She turned towards James and said, "James, hey, can I talk to you for a moment?" She seemed nervous, pushing a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"Of course," James managed to mumble. He looked utterly shocked. His jaw was awkwardly open, and his eyebrows were furrowed. I knew what was happening. Lily was following my suggestion: go out with James. Maybe it was more an order than a suggestion. But I'd hate to think of it that way. Because then, I would be the one who forced her to fall in love, the one who forced her to forget me and forge a relationship with James. Although perhaps that's exactly what happened. I forced her to get over me. I forced her to move on.

I couldn't hear what Lily said, or what James replied, but I could see their faces, read their expressions, and figure out the whole of the conversation. It was short, succinct, and consisted of an ask out to Hogsmeade by Lily, and an exuberant response of "Yes!" from James. I watched as she smiled coquettishly, as he grinned foolishly. I wanted to be mad at myself, to hate myself for putting them together, but I knew, I knew in my heart, that their relationship was for the best. James loved her with everything he had, and Lily would grow to love him with everything she had. It was unfair, but completely fair.

James walked back to the group, while Lily ran up to her dormitory. He ran his hand through his unruly hair, and sighed. His eyes were alit with fire, with passion, with complete joy and happiness.

"So?" Sirius asked, slapping James on the back. "What'd she say?"

I stared at James, waiting for his answer. I already knew what had happened, but I needed to know with absolute certainty.

"She asked me to go to Hogsmeade with her next weekend," James said breathlessly. "_She_ asked _me_."

"And what'd you say?" Peter asked. I thought Sirius was going to hit him out of annoyance.

"What do you think he said, Wormtail? Don't be thick!" Sirius said harshly. Peter cowered, and Sirius held his hand out, motioning James to continue.

"I said I'd go, of course. But I can't imagine why she had a change of heart. I mean, why would she suddenly ask me to go out with her?" James looked at me suspiciously, but I pretended not to notice. Instead, I picked at my cuticle and focused on everything else in the room.

"Does it matter?" Sirius shouted. "You got the girl!" He grinned with his arms opened wide, as if to ask, "What more could you want?" James smiled, a full and hearty smile, a smile that I hadn't seen on James's face in awhile, and I smiled, too. At least I made him happy. At least he was on Cloud Nine, even if I was burning in my own personal Hell.

I should say this, before I continue. I was happy for James. I truly was. If I wasn't, I would never have had the strength to watch this all happen. And I was happy for Lily, merely because I knew that James was the kind of guy she could grow to love, grow to be happy and content with. And she would love him. I was sure of it. What was not to love? His half-smile, his obnoxious hair, his insecurities…the list goes on.

But I was dying. I hated to watch Lily ask out James, just as she had asked me, to go Hogsmeade. I didn't like to think about it, to talk about it, and that's still the case. Whether I whine about it more than I should, or don't whine enough about it to seem real or true, the fact is that I was—and still am—heartbroken. She was it for me, the one, my soulmate, but unfortunately, I wasn't hers. I wonder about that often—are soulmates reciprocal? That is, can I be someone's soulmate without them being mine? I don't know. I guess anything's possible. If soulmates exist at all, really.

But I digress. Where was I? James was ecstatic that Lily popped the question he had been longing to hear. Sirius and Peter jumped for joy with him, while I smiled and congratulated him, which was the happiest gesture I could muster up for him. He didn't notice, of course, because he was high on life and love and Lily.

The day came and went. James took Lily out, and Lily flirted like she was supposed to, and James made jokes where he was supposed to, and the two held hands like they were supposed to, and I stayed out of it like I was supposed to. From James, I heard this lovely description (I'm sorry if it sounds like babbling, but it _was_ babbling.):

"I just…just loved it. I love her! It may be to early to say, but it's the case because it's always been the case, I love her and her shiny, shiny red hair and her green eyes and her amazing, wonderful, witty brain! What did we do? We went to Honeydukes, and I bought her some chocolate, and we went to Zonko's, where she said I was immature, but it was with a smile, so I don't think it was meant to be a negative remark, just something to start conversation—what are those remarks called? Oh, right, conversation starters. Anywho, we ended up going to the Three Broomsticks, and I bought us some drinks and she said that she had more fun than she expected, which is great because she was the one who asked me to go, and her expectations _must_ have been somewhat decent, because who asks someone on a date thinking it's going to be absolutely horrible? No one, that's what I'm saying. I really think she likes me, she really does I think! I mean, she's amazing and all, and I can't believe she would like _me_! We held hands—no, we didn't kiss, Pads, get your head out of the gutter. It's was the first date, mind you! She even laughed at my bad jokes! And they were pretty bad. I told the one about the carrot and the—yeah, that muggle sport, karate. No one laughs at that one, but she did, she really did…"

I think you get the picture. He had fallen even _harder_ for her, if that was possible. And I watched, brooding. They went out on another date before Lily had approached me about what was going on. I was in the library, reading something or other about Charms or Transfiguration, when suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped and grabbed my chest. I turned around to see her pink face, shy and embarrassed, standing behind me.

"Lily, you startled me!" I watched her, but she did nothing. "Sit," I said, motioning to the chair across from me. She sat, and we stared at each other for a minute.

"I can only imagine what James has told you." She shook her head, no smile, no charm, only herself, uncut and unadulterated. She leaned over and grabbed my hand. I didn't move it, but I stared at it.

"He's only told me that you two have had a good time together, and that he's pretty sure loves you even more now." She nodded as I spoke, not disagreeing with what I was saying, but not completely agreeing either. "He says you've fallen for him, too."

"Not yet," she said quickly, looking directly into my eyes. "Not yet." I wasn't sure what that meant. After a moment, she said, "I can't fall for him. Not until I know"—she stared at me hard—"that you don't want to be with me. Not until I know for sure that nothing could happen between us. Not until I know you're sure that James and I—that the two of us together—is what you want."

How could I want that? I guess I did, in the sense that I wanted both James and Lily to live happy and fruitful lives. But I didn't want them together, not really. I wanted to be the one to live the happy life with Lily, and I wanted James to live a happy life with someone else, someone who I wasn't completely stricken by.

"There can never be anything between us." That was the truth. Not something skirted around, or a ridiculous half-lie, half-truth, but the full truth, the whole truth, the only truth.

I saw tears threaten to fall from her eyes, but she kept her cool. She pulled back her hand, and said, "So…I guess this is it."

"What's it?" I was confused.

"We can't go back, Remus. I'm not going to lie, James is a great guy. He's no you, not to me anyway, but once you tell me 'no,' there's no going back. We can't be together. I'll be with James, a guy who loves me more than the world, more than himself, and I'm going to end up loving him back. Not today, not tomorrow, but one day. You can't help but falling in love with someone who's completely in love with you." She paused, and then continued. "Sometimes…sometimes, you've got to love what's good for you. And James is good for me."

I wasn't good for her. I knew what she meant. Maybe she could deal with the werewolf thing, maybe not, but if I continued to turn her down, I couldn't be what was good for her. I would keep hurting her, causing her to relive pain, and that wasn't good. Not for me, not for her.

"I know." I didn't know what else to say. There was nothing I could say. We were over before we started, a love that wouldn't—couldn't—develop. I wasn't okay with that. But I would have to be. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, Remus, don't you dare." She pointed a finger at me, looking at me fiercely. "If you were truly sorry, if you truly loved me, would you sit there and watch me frolic around with your best friend?"

"Yes," I said simply. I didn't point a finger, I didn't get angry, because it was fruitless. "It's because I love you that I have to do this. I don't want to, God, I don't want to, but you couldn't be happy with me."

"I could." Maybe she could. I realized that too late. Dora, she was happy. I mean, I think she was. She told me she was. But even if we did date, Lily and I, and she told me she was happy, I don't know if I could believe it. I don't even know if I believed Dora was happy. She was forced to run with me, to hide with me, and it was a big burden. I hated that. I hated myself for making her go through it, and even if I wasn't in love with her, not like I was with Lily, I _loved_ her, and I felt so, so terrible for doing that to her. I couldn't ask anybody to do it, not Dora, and certainly not Lily.

"No, you couldn't."

"I can't. Not if you won't let me." She was forceful and angry.

"You'll be happy with James."

"I'd be happier with you."

We were at an impasse. We sat, silent, sorry, sad.

"One day, Remus," Lily said calmly, "one day, you'll ask me to come back, but what can I do then? What? I'll be married or engaged, maybe even pregnant, and what can I do then?" Her eyes were watery, and I knew she really liked me. Not that I thought she was pretending, heavens no. But I saw her sorrow, her anger, and I felt terrible.

"I'll do nothing. That's the point." My words burned her, like fire, like ice, and I hung my head low, ashamed.

"Fine."

"We'll still be friends, right?"

"Right." But within her answer lie doubt, hesitancy, and confusion. Nothing would ever be the same again. I knew that, she knew that, and whether or not we would grow to accept it, it was fact. It was truth. It was what it was, and there was no going back.


End file.
